TEMPO.CO, Jakarta - Various studies revealed violence is a counterproductive effort in disciplining children. Although many studies showed the adverse effects of harsh treatment done by parents to their children, there are still many children become victims of physical and verbal abuse.
Based on a research at the University of Washington, United States, violence is a habit that can be inherited from generation to the next. Parents who experienced physical or emotional abuse tend to repeat the same pattern of behavior to their children.
"If you've been abused, you may become an abuser yourself," said Susan Newman, the social psychologist and the author of Nobody's Baby Now: Reinventing Your Relationship with Your Mother and Father.
Here are following steps to break the cycle of abuse in the family.
1. Recognize your own abuse
To break the chain of violence, you must be honest with yourself. Sometimes, a trauma makes a person not acknowledge the violence he/she has received. Newman said looking back with an objective perspective is required.
"Being grown-up gives you the distance to separate out what you think of as harmful or hurtful patterns so you don't transfer them to your children," Newman said. If you’ve been hurt due to harsh treatment, do not make a child as a place of revenge, see the children a means to correct your parents' mistakes instead so that the cycle will break.
2. Communicate it with your partner
The scars and traumas of childhood abuse can be deeper than you can imagine. Researchers at the University of California, Los Angeles, United States said long-term violence can cause damage to the mind and many systems of the body.
To overcome this, Newman suggests that you often talk and communicate it to your close friends or spouse. This can help ease tension in the brain and improve the ability to deal with problems in a good way.
3. Maintain your principle
Most grandparents liked to interfere in taking care of grandchildren. If you do not have strong principles in parenting, it is difficult to avoid this intervention. You do not have to cut off contacts, let alone close the family strings. Their existence, however, can have a positive impact on children so long they respect the boundaries related to your own parenting pattern.
"You can coexist by saying to your parent, 'You had your turn at parenting; this is my turn,' or 'I know you have your grandchild's best interest at heart, but we don't agree with that way of doing things.' Stand firm on that because now you are the parent and the most influential role model for your children," Newman said.
4. Self-evaluation
Sometimes a lot of things could raise your emotional anger thus yelled and hit the children which then you are overwhelmed by guilt feelings and feel like failing to become a good parent. In this situation, remember your motive and purpose of educating the children.
"If you ask yourself, 'Why am I yelling at my child?' or 'Why would I hit them?' you're going to come up short. That's where the change begins," Newman explained.
AURA
